This is what I have learned this last month...
- living from a place of trauma is a real thing.
- trying to maintain a normal exterior when your insides feel like they are crumbling is hard.
- teaching is a hard job and sometimes I feel wholly inadequate to do it.
- I may look strong but I need to be held up more often than one might think.
- when I am scared and feeling alone, I become needy and immature in many ways...a person that I don't like.
- it is a hard balance between "staying strong" and being real.
Last year when Javad had his seizure, I was changed. So many things changed. Although I forged on and stayed strong, inside I am frantically trying to glue the pieces of myself together. Someone needs to be calm, continue to run the ship. One person needs not to have panic be the first response, keep a clear head. This has been my job for fourteen years. I am good at this job, I do the job well, but sometimes I am tired. Sometimes I just want a break. I know that this is the war cry for all parents who have a medically fragile child, or frankly anyone who deals with a life threatening disease or death. The pieces are just there, hoping to be held together.
These last months I have been struggling. I am not sure how else to say it. I have good days and bad days. I have days when I feel that I am terrible at my job and days when I feel like I do ok. Most days I am just trying to make it from point A to point B. Some might think this sounds like I am trying to make others feel bad for me...this is far from the truth. There re so many that are struggling with grief, sorrow, and trauma...being real about it seems like the right way to honor in in others and in myself.
There are so many around me that are doing their best to build a place for me to stand, build a safe place for me to be. I am trying to stand there, surrounded by love and kindness. It's hard...I feel like I am grieving...sometimes the loss feels too big. I am not sure what to do. I stand here...looking at the pieces hoping that one day I will feel better, one day it will seem easier, one day it won't hurt so much and that things will fall together.
I believe that it can happen...I have to believe it will happen. That's what is keeping me going. One day at a time...one step at a time...one breath at a time, one moment at a time. #giraffestrong