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Writing during a Pandemic

We are at at unprecedented time. We have been indoors for weeks, taking opportunities to go outside to walk, staying six feet apart, wearing masks, glove, and trying to be polite and distant at the same time. If you have a member of your family who is "vulnerable" then you are even more vigilant.

I was in a Virtual Seminar a few weeks ago with Landmark Education and had one of those Thunderbolt experiences regarding uncertainty. The quote went something like this "Yes, this is an uncertain time, but when isn't an uncertain time?"

I took a virtual step back and thought about that. It's true...when isn't it an uncertain time? We don't know what is going to happen next, there is just a level that we feel that we control. I think as a parent of a medically fragile child I understand this at a deeper level, every day with Javad is uncertain. In some ways, this is the most stable time for him. We are being vigilant with masks, hand washing and the number …

Self-care in a scary time....

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I was noticing today that the stress and anxiety of the time is making my tremor show up more. I am not overly surprised, although, I don't necessary feel stressed except for the constant heartburn in the pit of my stomach. Ugh.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Essential Tremor after a year of having severe facial tics and other issues. These tremors don't show up that often unless the stress level is almost unbearable. So I guess that's where I am.

This isn't really about me and my tremor, but rather in a time of high stress, what do you see coming up for you? How do you care for yourself?

This is a strange and scary time, a time when we hear about the storm that is brewing but we are watching from outside. Some people are directly experiencing the effects of this virus, either themselves getting sick, or others around them. I can't even imagine being in that boat. I, on the other hand, am spending most of my time trying to stay out of the way so I can keep my swee…

Day by day the Timbers are away...

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During March, the Timbers season begins. Well, every year until this year. This year we are in Quarantine, Social Distancing, which would be virtually impossible in the Timbers Army.

We stand together, literally, and cheer boisterously for our Boys.  Five years ago, this strange family, clad in green and gold, saved me. I had just watched my son nearly die and i was lost. My entire life was crumbling around me but at these games I had people reaching out, offering me a hand up.

The Timbers are home, Providence Park is Church, a place where I feel safe, feel cared for, feel loved. I have found my people there. When it's game day, I am excited to see my people, spend time with them, feel their love. Together we feel the highs of victory and the lows of defeat, but best of all we do it together!

Over the last five years, these days have boosted my spirit, helped me to feel grounded, gave me an emotional home. These days have helped me heal.

Today, I sat at home for what feels like th…

Quarantine Day (Not sure depends on when count started)

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Holy Cow Batman!

I haven't posted in forever! I am not sure what that says. This year has been both challenging and freeing. I am finally feeling more settled into myself, which hasn't happened in a long time.

This month marks the five year mark from Javad's seizure. It seems strange that it has been five years. One one hand it has been a lifetime ago and yet it seems like it was yesterday. So much has changed in my world. I am not longer married, although I feel like we are in a much better place than we were for some time, and I am dating a wonderful man. I feel more at peace than I have in some time. It's hard not having Javad with me, but he is in the home he has grown up in, in the room that was built for him. All in all...things are good.

That brings us to this past week. We are knee deep in COVID-19 and the Quarantine that comes with it. It is such a strange time. One would think with all of Javad's sickness and hospitalizations, I would be prepared for isol…

Rising up...

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In the spring after Javad's seizure, I began attending Portland Timbers games fairly regularly. Slowly, I found my tribe. People who accepted me for me, not forming their opinion or relationship with me in regards to Javad. I was struggling emotionally and having a distraction that I loved, soccer, was a way for me to begin to heal.

That year was a strange one. Javad and the Timbers. That was when I was writing more. I wrote about Javad, the Timbers and the MLS Cup that year. When you are desperate to find hope because you see none (or little), you begin to look for things that will keep you grounded. Providence Park became my safe place, my home, my church. It became the place where I could see myself as whole. I wasn't whole by any means and am still putting the pieces of myself together.

Now, after watching Javad, I know that healing doesn't come quickly. Watching his body struggle to heal, piece by piece, helps me to see why it is taking so long to heal. The mind, like…

Letting yourself grieve

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Know thyself,
or at least keep renewing the acquaintance~ Robert Brault

When you have a child with a major disabiity, you enter a fire of instruction upon birth. You have painstakingly prepared for you child, have done all the classes and research and in the blink of an eye, you have to toss that away and focus on your child's health. 

From the beginning I didn't doubt that Javad would be okay. Apparently after many conversations, I may have been the only one. Javad was tiny and so weak. As I said, he was like a living doll that was breathing but absolutely no movement. He didn't cry. He just laid there, silent and still.

I am not sure I ever really allowed myself to fully grieve that. As a parent, you have dreams and hopes and, although I was thrilled with Javad, the dream of having him run with his brothers and sisters, learn to drive a tractor with his Papa, and garden with Grami, were gone in a moments notice. Over the years, these losses were felt, but I worked to hold…

One Year Later...

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July 18, 2018. One year ago...almost to the date since I last wrote.

It has been an interesting time. I have thought about writing but haven't had the words. Me? No words...seems unbelievable.

The last few years of my life have sped by and crawled at snails pace. It is like my life was thrown in the air like skeet then shot into a million directions. The last few years has made me confront some things about my life that I had pushed back, see things about myself in a light that I may not have wanted and confront fears I was a bit unprepared for.

I used to write a lot, it was a form of therapy in many ways so I find it interesting looking back that writing was too much, too personal. I am ready to be back, writing, processing the world through the eyes of a woman, a high school math teacher and the mother of a medically fragile son. These are viewpoints that sometimes work in tandem and other times pull me in very different directions.

They say statistically that the divorce rate o…