Lean In...

When times seem most challenging, we often want to pull away. These times, when it seems that we can't bear it, are the times we must lean in.

This last week was filled with memories that consumed my brain. Friday was the three year anniversary of Javad's seizure, the day that changed everyone's life in our family. Thinking back to that time, I realize that much of the time is a fog. I vividly remember driving to meet Javad at the hospital and within 24 hours my life was forever changed. My son, a sweet boy who, although affected with a rare muscle disease, had been incredibly strong for his age. Holding his hand in the ER and watching his eyes flutter to sleep, I had no idea that I would not see light in those eyes for months to come.

I know that there is so much trauma surrounding this event in our lives. We all felt this ripple in our life, a deep chasm of sorrow that soon followed. In some ways it seems like this was all just moments ago, then at others it seems so far in the past, it can sometimes be difficult to remember what Javad was like before the seizure.

Leaning In is really something I haven't thought much about in the past. I have spent a lifetime walking away from the paths that were scary, pushing away people that I feared may get too close then leave me, shattered. The abandonment issue I have is real and a challenge. It doesn't seem to go away, regardless of how much I tto have more belief in myself and others, how much I try to gloss it over. Relationships are hard and I am not the most skilled at maintaining them, but instead of pushing away...I will try to Lean In.

A new phase of life is starting for me...I am creating this amazing space for myself and where I have found that lonely space and stayed in the past, I vow to Lean In...find the strength and joy of others. Look deep w ithin myself and throw away the stories of the past. Create a space of peace and love...Lean In.


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