When traditions change...

I think when you growup around a lot of chaos you cling to things that are the same. I have always been a big one for traditions. The holidays are the time when I look forward to them the most. When I was young, the one tradition my mom had (which, let me assure you, was a rarity) was to watch all the holiday movies with the puppets. You know, "The Year without a Santa Claus," (one of my personal favorites), "Ruldolph the Red Nosed Reindeer," "The Island of Misfit Toys," and so on. She loved those movies. I loved them. I raised my children to love them. They were one of the good times with my mom, where there are so few. I am not sure that I am watching the movies this year. My world is upside down and I am not sure what I am doing.

I love the holidays. I love to decorate. I love to play holiday music loudly and dance and sing. None of that is happening right now. I am not even sure where the stockings are and all the decorations are in the attic where I am unable to get them by myself.  I mean I guess I could, but the thought of it is, frankly, exhausting. We have always celebrated Christmas Eve at my parents, with each person opening their present alone, with rounds of presents and deciding if it will be youngest to oldest ot vice versa (the nieces often choose the first). There is food, beverage, family, and love. We used to watch White Christmas together and sing "Sisters." I may try to do that one with my daughters this year or convince my sister to host it. I am not sure that I can let every one of the traditions go.

This year I feel like I am going to be building new traditions. Instead of being with family on Christmas Eve, I may choose to be with friends. I am feeling a bit like I am lost. When your family comes apart, what happens to all the traditions you have built? This is where I am frozen. I am not sure what to do. I guess I am grateful that my children are older, able to make traditions of their own, yet I am also sad and a bit worried because I wonder if I will be a part of those traditions. I know that as children grow older, this is true for all parents. Standing back to watch your children build their own lives and wondering how you will be included.

At one point I thought I had it all figured out, but like the rest of my life, I am trying to build in new directions, finding my way day after day. I am not going to lie, I am a bit nervous. I don't like the unknown and, to be honest, I don't like change very much. There is a lot of change happening this year and I am trying to adjust. I guess it is time to build new traditions. I am not sure what they will look like yet, but I will try to be open to the possibility ahead.

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