Endings and Beginnings...

For those who know me, you are well aware of the last few years and the personal trauma that I have experienced. This is not to make anyone feel sad or sorry for me, but rather to just open up the space that acknowledges what has happened. Javad's seizure two years ago was a monumental event, one that altered my life forever. He went from a boy who could do many things, although affected by Myotubular Myopathy, to a boy who was essentially in a coma for six months, a boy who can't move or breathe on his own anymore. It was a dramatic event that has made me look deep within myself, sometimes seeing things that I didn't like.

The first year after the seizure, I literally had a daily goal of not crying (while students were in my room). Some days I was successful, while others I was not. That year, I felt every bit of sadness that I had not let myself feel for fourteen years. I had spent all of these years handling Javad's health issues, addressing doctors, controlling the situation as best I could. Years of being positive, years of fighting came to a grinding halt at the possibility of losing Javad. It was sudden and overwhelming, almost unbearable. This boy is my heart and I found out that I was not nearly as strong as I had thought I was. I was a mess, a giant ball of blubbering, crying mess...for a year.

The next year (this last year) was the year of getting healthier. It was time to say goodbye to the grieving mother, the one who felt that she had failed her son, been failed by the system, had let herself reach the lowest of lows, drowning under waves of sorrow and grab life by the scruff of the neck. It was time to start over, have a new beginning. It was time to begin again.

Endings and beginnings are difficult. Finding the courage to recognize when something is over, when an end has arrived and take action is a terrifying and overwhelming task. Many like to look by the wayside, pretending that nothing is different, finding it easier to ignore life as it is rather than do something about it. Choosing to have a new beginning, leaving grief and sorrow behind, can be freeing.

For everyone, there are times in life when what is currently happening, isn't working well. The pieces are not falling together but rather they are falling apart. Each of us like a puzzle, finding pieces that are broken or bent, no longer fitting together in a smooth and seamless way. It takes more work and the end result is one where the beauty cannot be found, but rather the brokenness seen with in a glaring light. What do we do in a situation like this? We have a limited number of choices. We can continue to put together the broken puzzle, knowing that it will never be the same, the pieces with gaping holes, edges barely fitting together and the final product a picture that has lost it's beauty and is faded and wearing. The second possibility is that we look at the pieces, recognizing that this puzzle will no longer suit us, find the pieces that we resonate with and create a new puzzle, one that is fresh, creative and completes us. This is where the power comes. We bring our broken selves, gently rubbing our rough edges and create something new and beautiful.

There is no easy way to create and, frankly, endure
this circle of endings and beginnings, but in time, we recognize that this cycle of change and completion is truly the only way to finally feel free.


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