The beating of my heart...

Today was one of the most epic, life altering days. For many who have read yesterday's blog (and possibly the OregonLive article), this is not new news. Today I nearly had to pinch myself just to see if it was real. I was talked to by co-workers, my phone blowing up from tags on Facebook. It has been surreal. You need to understand the hole I have been in...it has been so deep that I wondered if I would ever get out. The storm has been swirling around my head, in my heart, making the beating so loud I can barely hear. The TIFO from yesterday's game seems fitting, "When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums." Les Miserables...one of my greatest memories. I watched it in London years ago...one of the first times I was alone and traveling. I watched from an "obstructed view" seat, leaning on the railing with my head on my hands. Tears streamed down my face, the power of the message so clear and strong. Freedom...That trip, long ago, signified a time when I stood on my own, healthy, strong. It wasn't perfect, but it was good.

Sometimes I feel that I have strayed far away from that woman. Little pieces of my heart stolen away by grief and worry. This last eighteen months stole the final pieces, my heart empty and open, slowly filling with sorrow, such deep pain that seeing above the water has been a challenge. Raw and jagged, my heart has been exposed. The anguish has been almost overwhelming at times, trying to move forward day by day. Yesterday shined a light on those cracks. I took in the joy, felt it fully, let the chants of the Army fill in the spaces, like glue sealing together the jagged edges. For the first time, in a long time, my heart felt full.

Today I feel stronger than I have in months. So many people have surrounded me with love. I have said so many negative things to myself these last months that I fully believed it..beaten so far down that I couldnt see up. Then, an Army lifted me...some special souls, a bearded man, even a Sounder. Yesterday I was surrounded and I felt the love.

"Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again. When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums. There is life about to start when tomorrow comes."

My heart is beating again...my tomorrow is here...


Comments

  1. Welcome welcome, feel the love. I am always so glad to read what you write. Lots of folks on the journey with you. Love you

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