Stand Tall...

It has been months since I have written...this is a sign of how much I am struggling, when even my "therapy" is overwhelming. I have always been one that people consider strong...I handle things. I do. I have it handled.

I feel like this has been the year where nothing is handled. I have cried almost every day. I felt it was the worst year of my teaching life. Emotionally I have struggled. My house is a mess, my relationships are a mess, my normal outgoing self has drawn inside of myself. Some of you would say that isn't true...that you have seen me and I seem fine. It's a front. I'm good at it. When I come home I am inside myself, saying five words to others. Exhausted and done. The fact that I am sharing this right now is therapeutic. I am tired of living like this...miserable and unhappy.

Someone said to me the other day that it seemed like my hiking was going well...in some ways that's true (although I haven't hiked in two weeks because my schedule is off the hook right now), but two weeks ago on July 1, I attempted Mt. St. Helens. I didn't make the summit, just about 500 feet shy, but that's not the story. The story is that I STOPPED MYSELF from making it because I was talking shit to myself the entire way. I was telling myself how I was fat, ugly, unworthy, out of shape, worthless. This was an eye opening experience for me. I thought I had been doing the hard work this year, putting myself first, but I now realize it was a sham. Somehow I have not been taking care of my mental health in the way it needs to be done.

I know that I am worthy (I keep telling myself this), I know that I should be happier. I am trying to figure out how to get there...I know I can't continue the way things are. My climb up the topless mountain taught me that...lesson heard!

I am now really trying to figure things out. I am trying to figure out the road to a healthier, happier self. I want to be someone who exudes joy, feels joy, feels unstoppable. I want to get unstuck. I know
that I can't make Javad better, I can't undo what has happened, but I need to create a space where happiness is present. My impact will impact his. This is much bigger than me.

I know that this is a big order to fill. I know that I need to do a lot of work. I know that it will continue to be work...every day, but I want to feel joy in all areas of my life.

I am grateful for those who have supported me...continue to support me through this journey. I am grateful. At some point we will have a party to celebrate my coming out...the beams of joy will be shooting from my heart. I am ready to Stand Tall...I am ready to get back up! It's time!

If you want to order a Stand Tall (Giraffestrong) Scarf to honor the boy order here!