Picking up the pieces...one at a time

Today when I was hiking I was doing a lot of thinking. I was with two great women, two women who six months ago I either didn't know or barely knew. At the end of this month I am celebrating my three months back at hiking. When I was young my dad took me out a lot. It was what we did...camping and hiking. I am sure that there was a lot of complaining on my part...sometimes there still is a lot of complaining. Now I sprinkle in profanity occasionally too.

So I was thinking about where I am in my life, the places I'm doing well, the places I'm not. This last year the tiny cracks of my life became chasms. For a long time I suffered in silence thinking that it was better to just deal. This cause such pressure inside me that I thought I would burst. Now I am talking...and talking is creating its own issues. It is both empowering and heart breaking. Honestly, I am not sure which emotion is winning. Adulting is hard, relationships are hard. Sometimes....life is hard.

Long ago I realized that I struggle to make deep, meaningful, and lasting connections with people. This was one of my adult aha moments. Yes, I am great in a crowd, yes...I can talk to almost anyone, but I struggle at relationships. I don't do them well. I, in all of my outgoingness, struggle to maintain friendships.  I didn't learn that skill from my mother. Deep connections weren't encouraged or taught. Anything I have done has been hard work. Being around others is frankly exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I love being with people...it's just hard. I feel like I am in a spotlight and people see that I am awkward and unsure.

Last year happened...it really showed me my own weaknesses. It showed me that I am not as strong as I thought. It showed me that things I had counted on to be stable, weren't. It has left me floating about, untethered. I am frantically trying to figure it out, figure out how to behave, what to choose, how to act. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my fractured life...find the ones that fit together and leave the ones that don't. I don't know what the picture might look like when it's done. This is hard...I want to control the outcome and I am having to let that go. I know that I am focusing on healing, focusing on doing the best I can at work, in relationships, at being me. I am focusing on healing Javad. I am focusing on getting a clear head, and seeing a clear path.

This is hard work...the hardest work I have ever done, but I believe that I will pick the pieces up, one at a time, and when I am done, there will be an amazing picture of my life. I don't know what that will look like, but I am getting there...one piece at a time.