Time passes...where am I?

Time has passed. I realize that it has been almost a month since I have written. So much has happened, yet so little has happened. Things have moved forward and we have stayed in the same place. Someone reminded me the other day about how long it had been since I blogged...

There is no real reason for this...I'm overwhelmed, I'm swimming, I'm trying to stay afloat, I'm making it. It's been a weird time but a growing time. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. I know that you know because I've been open and honest about the struggle. I am grateful for the people that are in my life, those who have stepped up, those who have come out of nowhere, grateful that they kept me from falling off the ledge when it was so frightening.

I'll admit that I wish I could have been better, wish I could have handled things better. On the outside, to most, I seemed okay, not great, but handling. I really wasn't handling much...inside I was spiraling out of control, falling deep into a hole that was frightening. The holidays weren't great because I felt empty, hollow, and it's hard to find joy when you can't even find anything.

Don't get me wrong...I am working on it, I am getting better, day by day, moment by moment. These kinds of times don't just turn themselves around in a second, time is needed. I don't know what the next steps will be but, ironically, I am not too worried...I am finding some peace. I am focusing on my health, my wellness...I am finding it on the mountain, step by step, one hike at a time.

Javad is having slow improvements, tiny glimmers. I am working on getting him into rehab therapy to work on physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech...I want him to get stronger, get healthier because I know that his improvement will also foster my improvement. In these times I am intrinsically tied to him. In these times, others are also stepping up...his teachers at school, his people who are holding his healing in the light. I have a giraffe that is going on my hikes, a virtual Javad, of sorts. He is a part of this journey, even when he can't actually go. His spirit is there, his heart is with me...this is the year of growth and change, the year where healing happens. It has to...something has to give or it will crack open beyond repair. I am choosing better, I am choosing change. I am ready. #giraffestrong #giraffesforjavad #52weekchallenge #hikingforthosewhocant