Lessons Learned...a view from the bottom of the pool

This has been one of the strangest falls I have had in years. So much has gone through my mind in the last months but I have been unable to write consistently mostly because writing is like opening the wound. Twenty years ago I experienced many of these feelings...trying to stay afloat. I am finally on a path where I feel that I am starting to find my footing, beginning to feel human again. Only looking back on the past few months do I see how far I have come.

A wise friend told me earlier this fall that I have always kept myself busy as a way to cope, but now that business just seems overwhelming. It has been true. Somewhat like turning a Rubik's cube, hoping to put the same colors together, I have been slowly turning the dial, hoping that things connect.

Sometimes the loneliness can be unbearable...something I have not experienced in a long time. It is amazing how one can be fully surrounded by others and yet be so alone. It's a process. Somehow it doesn't make it easier going through this again, pulling myself from the edge. My consolations are a few...I don't have a five year old girl looking at me, wondering what is happening and I have done this before...I made it...I survived.

I am getting stronger...I am knowledgeable...I know what needs to be done. I just need to put my feet forward, stepping one foot at a time. It can be done...I can do this...

Remember that there are so many in our world hurting right now...be kind...be loving...remember that we must band together to not only heal ourselves but heal the world.


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