Underwater....

Sometimes it just seems like life is not running in your favor...As I stated on Facebook the other day, "I feel like life is coming at me like a firehose to the face." I am usually the strong one, the one that can handle it. Right now, I am feeling underwater. My cup is empty and I have no reserves. There is only one other time in my life when I have felt this way and it was long ago. That time in my life wasn't a good one, one where my grounding had fallen away and I was floating aimlessly through life.

Now, not to panic, I feel like work is definitely grounding in many ways...at least I have much to do, lots to keep me busy, but I still feel that I am floating around in the space of my life. I am reaching out, probably too much, trying to find those around me who will help me keep my head in the right space. I'm not going to lie, it's a struggle to keep my mind in the space where it belongs. I have many amazing things happening in my life, I don't want to screw them up. I am finally, career-wise, in a place where I feel like I can make some positive changes that will having amazing impact. I am meeting people who have the potential to help me along my way. That, in itself, is exciting. What's not is the feeling of being underwater.

I love the water...the feeling of being weightless, all cares washing away can be such a relief. I wish this is how I felt right now, but instead, I feel the panic of not being able to breathe properly, not knowing where to begin, feeling that I am going in so many different ways I can't even choose the right way. I felt so in control at the beginning of the school year. This feeling has slowly been chipped away with things that are happening. It is frustrating.

Javad is making slow progress. I am not going to lie, I thought he would be much stronger by now. This can be heartbreaking...watching him struggle and feel frustrated that he can't do what he wants. I wish I had the magical ability to fix things, help him be stronger, get well. I know that there is a good chance that we may not get the boy we loved back but I hope that he continues to get stronger, become more aware, move forward.

There are so many things going on right now that I can't even begin to talk about. All I ask is for your good thoughts, strength, and love. I need it...badly. OH...if you have a floatie or some water wings to send my way, that would be
great too!

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