A wave of relief...taking large gulping breaths...

This has been a rough few weeks. I have reached a low of lows...one only rivaled by a low I experienced almost twenty years ago when I returned from California. This last few weeks was a bit frightening in my heart of hearts because I recognized that place I was approaching. Being older and wiser helps, that's for sure, but I still recognized the signs. This prompted me to take action.

I recognize, as Newton's Third Law say, that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, which means that for each decision I make there will be some response from another place. I am okay with that because at this point no movement means no progress. I am ready for some movement in some direction so here I am...taking small positive steps in a (hopefully) better direction, knowing that the ultimate outcome is unknown.

Isn't that the way life is? When you are up against the wall between a rock and a hard place something has to give. I realize now that Javad's seizure in March has taken a much greater toll on our me than I imagined. I have trained myself to handle things...handle my emotions, but I was not prepared for the overwhelming grief that would come. I realize that we did not lose Javad, he survived this event, but the loss of function, the loss of so many things that he was was almost too much. It created a chasm in my heart that was almost unbridgeable. My heart hurt every day and I was facing crushing sorrow. The river was wide, almost uncrossable, but I decided to reach out and I have had good people throw the water wings my way.

My heart is still broken, I am still underwater, but I am bobbing to the top occasionally, taking large gulping breaths. These breaths are keeping me afloat. I am starting to think that there may be hope, that I might make it across the river, with the help of my friends.

I am putting on my water wings and pulling the floatie around my waist, breathing deeply at the top and hoping for intermittent waves of relief. I believe that it is possible, which is much farther along than I thought a few weeks ago...I believe that there is hope and that will help me keep going.


  1. Right here with you! Holding space and sending light and love. Thanks for sharing.


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