Butterfly wings and angel songs...

So many time in the last few years this blog has been my place to process, write, purge things from my brain. So, today, I ask myself..."What if what needs to be purged feels too big, too crushing to your soul, that it almost physically hurts to write down?"

I don't have the answer to this...I just am going to write.

Yesterday I went to a sweet girl's funeral...another child, another loss. Sometimes it just makes me want to climb to the top of a mountain and scream...other times I want to crawl in a hole. It doesn't matter where I am...I hear the sweet angels sing...

I have always been the strong one...the one who can "handle it." I am not sure what it was in my upbringing that gave me this oh-so-special ability, but sometimes I am over it.

Standing and holding a young mother's hand...having her tell me that she never wants me to feel the pain associated with losing a child, knowing that I, too, never want to experience this loss. My heart keeps breaking every time we lose a child.

Sometimes I feel that the pieces of my life are barely being held together...I put on the good face, I seem together but inside I am not. My heart is floating around inside, the sharp edges slicing at my insides. I swallow the pain, put on a front and remain strong, meanwhile there are parts of my life falling apart.  I don't want to talk about it...I don't want people to feel that they need  to come to my rescue.

Like so many times I will gather myself together and move forward. I try not to focus on the things I can't change...I focus on what I can do...I can transform...breathe....


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