Hitting the Wall...

There are times in recent days, when I feel that the level of unfairness in life is too great. Having a disease that is unfair enough...then having something else on top makes it worse. So many in our small unity are suffering...Allie, Mitchell and Javad are currently fighting medical issues in addition to their disease.

I feel like I am hitting the wall. Yesterday seemed to be the day when all of the balls that I have in the air came crashing down as I frantically tried to grab them. I went to an appointment and was chastised by the doctor because I haven't been able to come in much over the last few months. I lost it...the last few months have been challenging for all of us and I need encouragement not pointing out my shortcomings. I cried...a lot then went to the AVID Senior night, looking a wreck, but there to support some of my favorite kids who are moving on.

I still feel like I live in this weird sense of reality, one of vastness and minutia. On one hand, I am looking a big pictures, school improvement, and ways to help my students and then I am celebrating the movement of a finger or a kiss the next second. I have small anxiety attacks on a regular basis, my legs feel numb and hot and my fingers and arms tingle. Just thinking about it right now makes my feet tingle. I am exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and I know that there is not an end in sight.

The wall seems overwhelming...I know, logically, that this will pass, but my emotions are all over the map and I feel like I am standing at the bottom looking up. There are so many incredible things to celebrate in our life...our older kids are moving to their respective new job locations and things are going great, but the littlest boy breaks my heart...his inability to move or respond in a way that gives him power is crushing my soul. People around me are great, caring, and loving, and I appreciate it, but the hurt in my heart is painful.

I hurt for my son...I hurt for my friend Jenna's daughter, and I hurt for my friend Donna's son. These precious souls should have all of this pain and frustration...they were already given the bad genetics card...I think beyond that they should have been given a free pass.


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