Unbelievable Joy...

Last night I slept at school...I wrote about the awesomeness that was the program I am involved in, but what I really want to talk about is what was happening at home.

I still think of March 16 as "the day of the episode" or "the day of the event." It was the day that life changed for us. The road we have previously traveled had a fork in the road and we took the road untaken. We veered onto a path that we had never seen before. It has been a journey that I,  at times, struggle with. I am trying to move forward, keep all the balls in the air. Some days it is a struggle.

Last night during the rehearsal my legs started hurting. This pain in my calves and feet is similar to the night of March 16 when I was frantically driving home. It is a strange feeling...burning pain and numbness all coming together. It is painful in a way that I can't really describe.

This morning, as I woke up, I realized that it was the first day, since March 17, that I didn't kiss my boy...I didn't see him and kiss him. It was strange. I feel that I am connected to Javad in an odd way. I have become a bit of a "Javad Whisperer." When I rub his head or stroke his arm, his pulse rate goes down,  He begins to slow his breathing and relax.

I'm not going to lie that it is possible that Javad is also a bit of a "mom whisperer" as well. Seeing him, touching his face, kissing him brings me peace and calm. Seeing each smile when I come in and the smiles that asks for more kisses bring me unbelievable joy...a joy that wells from a place deep inside me.

I remember when Javad was born...the love that I felt was so big I could not describe it. I love all of my children, but this love was different. Maybe it is because he had so much to lose that the love and joy he brought had to help fill the space. He is a fighter, this boy...one that continues to defy the odds...as he does this, this fighting, I smile and my heart swells because he continues to bring me a kind of joy that is unbreakable...this makes me smile and he continues to bring me unbelievable joy...