Questions...

It's another two blog day...sometimes the exhaustion of life is just overwhelming and I fall asleep before blogging...usually while watching TV or my new favorite Netflix show, The Almighty Johnsons (it's awesome...seriously watch it!)  It is strange having nurses at night. I mean it's great, but also strange. For the first time in I don't know how long, I am sleeping for a period of time...deep sleeping, I mean, DEEP sleeping. It's both glorious and strange. It is almost like being drugged, deep sleep, but yet, I am hoping in time I will begin to feel like myself again, whatever that means.

Today, Javad smiled again. An open mouth, half smile that almost made me cry. To see a glimmer of himself shining through is amazing. Hope can make a heart soar...a glimmer of my boy in there.  Each day, small, tiny baby steps in the right direction. It brings up questions as to how far we will go, how much I can hope for. I don't want to limit the hope...it is the thing that has carried me for the entire thirteen years of Javad's life.

This is a time when all the questions of my life are coming to the surface. Am I doing enough for Javad? Do I do enough for our family? Am I loving enough? Am I doing enough as a teacher? Am I a good enough mentor?

When life throws a major curve ball, turns itself upside down and then shakes you uncontrollably until you are so disoriented you cannot see, the questions around your life swirl around like a tornado. My legs feel numb, my heart pounds so hard that it hurts and makes it hard to breathe. I know that I am the rock on which our family is built and yet, I feel like I am crumbling, at times. How do you keep the pieces together when there are just threads to sew it with? I guess this is where my path leads...I will follow it, wherever it leads.