Life, as we know it...

So last night I fell asleep without writing. It's a strange thing at our house, now having night nursing to take care of the boy. Last night was the first night in over a month that I only woke up a few times. I should feel rested but I mostly feel tired.

It was great to be home this weekend, but it was also strange. It was one of those times when you look around and realize that your experience with life is vastly difference than those around you. I was finishing up grades for school, trying to get to a place where I feel stable, but life has just continued...

My life feels a bit out of focus...people are moving forward and we have moved backwards. Our boy has reverted back to the ways of his toddlerhood. We are seeking some way to communicate...anything. One minute he seems with me, the next he is far away.

Going out this past weekend emphasized how off kilter I am feeling. My head not really attached to my body, like a floating balloon being blown around by the wind. Thoughts of "the episode" brings pain in my legs and my heart begins to pound in my chest. Panic attack staved off by medication that doesn't really seem strong enough at this point. Really, what would be strong enough to unwind the effects of the last four weeks on our life. I know that my husband and son are feeling it too. They are in a different place, their panic and feelings of helplessness directly related to being home during the event.

Our family is holding it together in the only ways we know how. Some retreating into themselves, pulling the feelings in to that place where they aren't really address, others directing the traffic of our life, not truly opening the door of pain for fear of never getting it closed. We stay together...we are warriors...our son has shown us that persistence and fighting is how this game is won. We are fighting the good fight, but it is not without wounds...you might not see them on the outside, but they are there. This is now our new life...life as we now know it.