Walking the tightrope...

Some days I am wondering why I continue to write. Ironically, although there is not much that is happening, it seems that there is so much to say. Today there was no real response from Javad. He is sleeping. I told him that tomorrow I am going to hassle him. Although I know he needs time to heal, I am pressing down the panic inside, the part of me that is a naysayer. I believe that we are going to get our boy back, but I can also see in the eyes of the medical community that they are concerned.

The internet is a bad thing when you are worried...you can find support for almost any opinion you want. Yesterday's smiles were a glimmer of our boy, but I also wonder if the doctors will see those smiles as insignificant, as something his body was just doing. I felt Javad's eyes on me and watched him work to smile...I felt it was a breakthrough.

Then came today....when he slept. I look at my sweet boy and he looks like he is sleeping. It's so peaceful hearing him breathe in and out, seeing his sweet face. I would think it was a regular night if we weren't hanging out at the hospital. I believe that this boy is a fighter, that his time has not come, but I am tired.

In the past, when Javad was sick, we knew the routine, knew the drill. I could predict how long he would be out of commission, how long he would need to rest before he would wake up and be sassy. This time it is different...we don't know the drill, This is uncharted territory and, I'm not going to lie, I don't really like this location. Everything is foreign, the doctors seem cynical, and I am tired. My "restful" spring break was not very restful. It is a situation, again, where the world goes on and we are stuck in this strange foreign place.

I am walking the tightrope. Emotionally I am hanging on by a thread, physically I am sore from sleeping on the "bouch" (not a bed, not a couch), and mentally I am tired. I feel like I am not really doing a great job anywhere. My students have missed a lot due to my absence, I am behind in their grades, and I feel that I am personally scraping the bottom of the barrel. I know that this is not a sprint, but a marathon, but this marathon is wearing me out. I am in an area I don't understand and feel like everyone is speaking a different language.

I am hoping that this week will bring us signs of our boy, bring us hope. I need some. I am not good on the tightrope...it's just too far to fall.