Open mouth, insert foot...

I am told that I need to work on my filter. Sometimes, when I am uncomfortable or not sure what to say, I blurt out whatever is in my head...which usually could do some wordsmithing so that it sounds a bit better. I had one of these moments last fall, words tumbling out of my mouth to a friend who is more like a sister than a friend. I was caught off guard, my feelings a bit hurt by the situation and there I stood with my entire leg in my mouth. It was one of those moments where you wish you had a Tardis or Hermione's time turner, to go back, with the knowledge, and re-say what was said, in a far more kind way.

These two words that tumbled out of my mouth, changed our relationship. It strained it...often making it uncomfortable and strange. In a year when I felt that I was adrift, the lack of this grounding even made it worse. I had deeply hurt the person that was one of my anchors. I floated...trying to find my footing all year. I kept hearing my mother's biting words come out of my mouth, even when I didn't mean it. Nothing I said or did seemed to make it better. I felt frustrated and confused. I didn't know how to fix it.

I would have done anything to go back...return to October when I let my mouth run...suck those words right back into my mouth but I couldn't.

The decision to leave school was difficult. I knew that I couldn't continue...my lack of grounding had become so severe that I almost couldn't function. Each day was grating...walking down the halls, with my pretend smile, my heart aching, floating aimlessly toward I am not sure. I think the fact that I had a student teacher this year kept me from losing my mind. I had to keep it together for someone.

Loss is a strange thing...it leaves a hole, except there is nothing or no one that can fill it. It is a person shaped hole.

Today I spent time with one of my closest friends. At first it was awkward. The ease and naturalness of our past relationship has been scarred..I felt that I was being cautious with my language. Ironically, I am happy for her...glad that she is able to do the things that she loves, my heart's hole has nothing to do with that anymore...it is trying to rebuild. So today, we spent time together...talking, joking...it felt a little stilted at first, but as time it was better. We began talking about things of the past..sharing some common conversation of before. My heart is hopeful...hopeful that, in time, it can be better, be natural, be close again.

I am not good at this. I don't retain relationships well. I am working hard to keep the important ones that I have made...my team. I never really learned that skill growing up. I learned to walk away...that is what I excel at, even if it's not what I want.

I want to learn to keep my foot out of my mouth so I don't have to address staying versus leaving. I want to learn to stay, push away the uncomfortable feelings and move forward. Learn to forgive myself and move on.

My heart is hopeful...learning is hard. It is the productive struggle, as another friend says. In don't like it...it is uncomfortable...maybe, like education, this struggle comes before the big breakthrough. I look forward to that...a breakthrough in this area would be good...maybe even cathartic...it's a sign of growing which is something I want to continue to do.