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Showing posts from March, 2014

All you need is love...

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Today was a pivotal day. A day that may impact my career, my future...

Everyone just needs a little love. Sometimes we just want to be told that we are valued, that the work we do is enough, that we are helping move the train forward rather than just being a cog in the wheel, a replaceable part. We all want to feel that our contribution to the cause is making a difference, creating a path, a path that leads toward a better future.

We want clarity...

I am passionate about my cause, have worked hard to build something. I know that everything that is built may not remain, that these structures may be temporary, but it is difficult to feel that you are temporary in any aspect of life.

I don't know what the future hold, where my path may lead...I do know that I just need a little love...I don't think that is too much to ask.

Settling In...ready to be free

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My son had major spinal surgery...another step in the life of a child with a child with complex medical needs. We spent eight days at the hospital and, amazingly, he is healing well. There were no major hiccups, no issues, it was an essentially smooth surgery. This is a first for us...Usually if it can go wrong, it does. I was fully prepared. It went fairly well...small bumps.

I haven't blogged...I have slept. Sometimes I feel like my life is so exhausting that I can't get enough sleep. I am tired of being tired. Exhausted from being exhausted. Waiting for something to fall into place...to be easy.

Work is becoming a place where I can't find clarity or focus. I am trying to free my world from clutter, both in the sense of people and things. I am ready for freedom and space...I am ready for the feelings of openness.

The last few weeks has been an amazing feel of lightness...even with all of the things happening, the surgery, the stress of recovery...I have felt light. I wan…

From Crooked to Straight...

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It has been a long week...the cutest boy had spinal fusion surgery on Monday and we are hanging out in the PICU. It is a little like being in a fishbowl. I was walking down the hall on the 9th floor the other day when looking down out the window and noticed some cute stuff below...wait...that's MY cute stuff! Great...apparently I am the display for people above..Oh well!

Life has never been a straight road with the cutest. There have always been curves, jaunts, sometimes even complete hairpins. Thinking we're going one way only to find that our life has been flipped over and we are actually going another. It is a life that keeps one on their feet. "Never get too comfortable," is our mantra. So many times we have begun to settle in, just to be reminded that our boy is actually as medically fragile as we thought...we forget sometimes...this is just our life...it is as it is.

I have had a lot of time to think these last few days...contemplating what my next life move mi…

Where the Wild Things are...

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Today I am Max...If you've never read Where the Wild Things are than now would be the time to read it. It was the book of my childhood...the book that described so much about my life. Max wants his way...he is mad...he goes to his room (without dinner) and goes on his fateful trip to the island where the Wild Things live.

Max becomes their king, teaches them to roar their terrible roar, gnash their terrible teeth. Each of the Wild Things seem to represent part of Max's personality...his emotions running through his body. He is angry...with his mother, with his world. Through his trip to the place where the Wild Things are, he let's the "wild rumpus begin."

Soon Max discovers that he doesn't want to be separated from those that he loves...he wants to heal...he doesn't want to be angry any longer. Max wants his world to become one.

I am Max...I am angry...I have gone to my island and now I am leading the Wild Things. We are making a ruckus, we are gnashing …

I get by with a little help from my friends...

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Friends...a gift...sometimes they are ones you have had for a short period of time, some for a lifetime.

On this journey, I have been examining so many pieces of my life, looking to see where I need to do some house cleaning.

It has been a slow and laborious process...looking inside oneself, deciding how and when to clear out, clean out, move out, move on. I wait for signs, look deeply...

One suggestion was to find the things that I really love, the things that speak to my soul. I joined a choir.

Before high school, I had moved in with my dad and step-mom. I was angry, hurt, confused. My life with my mother had been less than savory. Before school started I went to church camp and met a guy, Chuck, who would become one of my best friends throughout high school. Attending the same school was a gift. I had someone who was allowing me to grow into a new me, leaving the old one behind.

I joined choir. How was I to know that this would save me...give me some of the greatest friends I ever …

Grateful for the rain...

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Tonight my daughter flew in from Illinois. It has been a brutal winter for her...snow and cold for weeks on end. For an Oregon girl, the lack of rain and green has been difficult.

Rain...cleansing the air and the ground, bringing a sense of newness.

Sometimes our spirit needs to be renewed, refreshed.

Water falling from the sky, washing over us, cleaning the filth of the world off, leaving a clean fresh canvas.

This clean canvas, washed by the rain, will be where we paint the picture of the life we desire.

Rain...fresh, clean, beautiful...

Decisions...decisions...

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Why is it that decisions are so hard to make? Why is it that at a time when you don't want to make them, they are forced upon you? Life is hard...

This has been a year...a year of confusion, clarity, sadness, relief, opening, and closing. It has been a time to mourn and celebrate, look within myself and look into the face of others.

It's the little things that matter...the little things that make the difference. I am digging deep to determine what those things are. What are the things that are the difference? Is it friends, a satisfying career, deep connections? Which are the ones that matter..truly matter...

Feeling appreciated, honored, encouraged are some of the most important things. Whether in our personal life or professional life, to feel that others value your opinion, your skills, and talents fills you up...helps you to grow and bloom.

So, here I am...decisions ahead of me. What is right? What feels the best? How does one care for oneself while still caring for others…

Best or worst?

Blogging...a weird sort of public therapy that many employ. Because it's public, one often has to decide how personal, how direct, how much to reveal.

Sometimes the anger of the day brings out the worst and other times the joy highlights the best. The key is that honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes metaphors and history lessons are used to highlight the experience of the day.

Processing about work, family, life in general...thinking about raising a family, raising a special needs child, teaching children who struggle, whose lives are crap...

So best or worst? I don't really know...depends on the day, the minute, the second...

Finding myself...

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When do I feel most like myself? This is an interesting question. There are so many facets to my life...teacher, mother, wife, friend. Sometimes I think that I am many people, rolled into one.

Who am I? When am I at my best, most confident, most comfortable? When I am teaching I feel good. My interactions with the students usually positive. I feel like I am making a difference, learning, teaching, creating.

As a mother, I am all over the map. I know I do a decent job..I love my children...each other them whether I birthed them or not. I have tried to show them that hard work pays off, love your job, love your family, and stay loyal to those who love you. I hope that I have done my job...I never want them to doubt that I am with them, love them...

As a wife...oh my. I am sure my husband wishes that he had a cooking and cleaning wife, but bummer, her took me...the opinionated but fiercely loyal wife!

As a friend, I believe that I am loyal and try to be a good friend. I desire a relation…

Why I Blog...

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I began blogging a little over a year ago. It became a way to sort out issues in my life as well as have my voice "heard." Writing has become a sort of therapy these days. I almost feel like I lead a double life...math teacher by day, writer by night. These two lives allow me to experience both parts of my brain...living a whole life.

I think that when I write, my inside self shines. I am a bit sarcastic (ok...a lot sarcastic), but feel deeply. I delved into my blog with research and study. Each night became an assignment upon itself, me walking away with not only a great deal of new information, but a well-composed piece of writing that I was proud to share. I was opening my heart and spilling out the contents for all to see.

Last year I wrote for over 200 consecutive nights. This year I have been experiencing blocks. Ironically, the arena that was originally began as a way to process, has become a bit of a block...

That is what this month is about...Self..Keep coming back …

Piece of the Puzzle...

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We are all pieces of one giant puzzle. Each of us claiming our space, finding our fit. Though, at times, it might feel that we aren't ever going to find our way, we bumble around, pushing our way, finding our place. Squeezed in between others, it sometimes feels crowded...are we special? Are we unique? Will we be noticed?

Does it matter?

What matters is that we know who we are, what we are...


I am powerful...who are you? who do you want to be?

Just me, myself, and I...

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When considering where things have been this last few years, it always comes back to me.

Who am I?
What do I want to be?
Do I want my voice heard?
Who do I want to hear it?

My entire life (ok...maybe not my entire life...), I have felt that I had a purpose. Since adulthood, I have been a teacher, a leader, a worker, someone that could be counted on.

One would think that, by now, I would have these things figured out. It seems that the smallest things are the ones that take me off kilter.

I am a caretaker...when there is a crisis, I figure it out. I am the strong one...the one you can count on if you need it. I handle things, even if I don't want to. I am a classic first child, and even more, a classic child of an alcoholic. I handled things when my mother could not.

Now, after nine years of my mother being gone, I am struggling to find my identity. My role at work, the place where I knew my strengths and weaknesses, has changed. Now the place where I have always felt confident, h…