Thinking about the Carnival...

When thinking of these two metaphors, I find irony. When I was in the 8th grade, my life was becoming out of control. My mother was living with a (flirty) drug dealer who relished in talking about my mother when she was high. She was thin and scarecrow-like, looking like a skeletal clown, of sorts. It was a frightening time of ambiguity and insecurity. One thing that brought me joy was the carnival, the real live carnival, where I could ride the rides, play some games, get away.
In a bizarre twist, I made "friends" with some of these people. They were much older than me, yet my mother let me "go out" with a group of them to the movies. To this day, I am not sure what she must have been thinking. (Clearly...she was not thinking!) To make a long story short, I had actually planned on running away with them!
On the day that they were to leave, I woke up early, snuck out of the house and rode my bike to the lot. Once I arrived, I was heartbroken to see that they were gone!! They had packed up the night before and left to their next destination. This was a potential disaster...I am so glad that my hope was shattered. Now, I am going to be examining this period of my life and the other periods of chaos I survived.
Going back there is a bit frightening...it is beginning to dig up some emotions that I haven't really examined for some time. I left the Carnival a long time ago...not that there haven't been fairs that I have attended since.
I am looking forward to re-examining these frightening parts of my life as well as the fairs I have visited since. I guess I'm not really looking forward to looking at the Carnival, but I am ready to let the Carnival go...move on...find something softer, kinder, gentler!
I will be ready to go to the Campfire...where I believe that peace will be located. That I am willing to find. Finding peace is ultimately where I am pointed...It will come...step by step and inch by inch...
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