Thinking about the Carnival...

I am taking an online class called "The Walk" through the Brave Girls Club. I discovered the Brave Girls Club last year at the peak of the intensity that was last year. There are some amazing resources there and if you'd like an inspiring email every day, you can get that too...not to mention there is something for girls as well. The first part of the class is to map out what is being called The Carnival, what you don't want in your life, as well as The Campfire, what you do want in your life.

When thinking of these two metaphors, I find irony. When I was in the 8th grade, my life was becoming out of control. My mother was living with a (flirty) drug dealer who relished in talking about my mother when she was high. She was thin and scarecrow-like, looking like a skeletal clown, of sorts. It was a frightening time of ambiguity and insecurity. One thing that brought me joy was the carnival, the real live carnival, where I could ride the rides, play some games, get away.

In a bizarre twist, I made "friends" with some of these people. They were much older than me, yet my mother let me "go out" with a group of them to the movies. To this day, I am not sure what she must have been thinking. (Clearly...she was not thinking!) To make a long story short, I had actually planned on running away with them!

On the day that they were to leave, I woke up early, snuck out of the house and rode my bike to the lot. Once I arrived, I was heartbroken to see that they were gone!! They had packed up the night before and left to their next destination. This was a potential disaster...I am so glad that my hope was shattered. Now, I am going to be examining this period of my life and the other periods of chaos I survived.

Going back there is a bit frightening...it is beginning to dig up some emotions that I haven't really examined for some time. I left the Carnival a long time ago...not that there haven't been fairs that I have attended since.

I am looking forward to re-examining these frightening parts of my life as well as the fairs I have visited since. I guess I'm not really looking forward to looking at the Carnival, but I am ready to let the Carnival go...move on...find something softer, kinder, gentler!

I will be ready to go to the Campfire...where I believe that peace will be located. That I am willing to find. Finding peace is ultimately where I am pointed...It will come...step by step and inch by inch...

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