Christmas Angels

It has been over a week since I last posted. This is the longest in over a year since I have written. It has been a dry time, a time that I have been looking. I have taken a trip to Illinois and back and survived the most dreadful Christmas, but I have also been reminded that each of these days are precious and must be cherished.

This year I feel surrounded...I feel knee deep in sorrow, anger, and wishful thinking. I am rising up and not allowing there to be days, precious times away from the cutest boy. He is twelve and, although he has been relatively healthy, I recognize that twelve is a long time. I am not trying to be morbid, but, for some reason, this year has been the most difficult, hitting me at the deepest depths. There are so many feelings...frustration and inadequacy in my job, frustrations in my personal life, and then deep grief over the loss of children so dear to my heart. It is a deep sorrow I can't seem to shake. My heart is walking side-by-side with others, hurting deeply.

I was not in the Christmas spirit...I didn't decorate..at all...nothing on my tree, in my house...nothing. This is unusual for me...Christmas is my favorite holiday. This year my joy is gone...I don't even have the ability to dig deep.

I am imagining the sweet angels...running, playing, laughing. They are together...celebrating. Their joy should trickle down to us...it will, in time. Our sorrow will ebb, in time, it will fill with the memories of their smile, giggles, and joy.

This hasn't happened yet...my heart is still filled with sorrow and grief. I will be waiting...waiting for my Christmas Angels to lift my spirits...fill my heart with warm love again...I will be waiting...

Comments

  1. This past 4 months have been a toll on me as well. I lost my brother in Sept from a battle with cancer. My nephew did not take it well so my husband and I was dealing with him. Two weeks ago his wife was killed in a tragic accident and two other family members have passed away this month. So I feel for you and my thoughts and prayers are with you to get over this time in your life. Anita

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  2. Ahh, Shannon. I've been in that place. It's a difficult feat to stand on the tightrope of the here-and-now. If our minds wander, we lose our balance and fall into the dark thoughts - what could have been. what should have been, then fears of what might be. For me, Christmas is the annual reminder of what God meant the world - and our lives - to be, and what it can be for us, minute by minute, if we stay on that tightrope.
    So rest your spirit for a while, then climb back up.

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