The Other Side of the Equation: A story of Life, Love, and Math...

I know I should be thankful...I have so many things, a wonderful family, a house, beautiful children, friends, a job. I have so many things that others may not have, yet I feel empty...not ungrateful, just empty. This fall has been a struggle...although I am grateful for my friends, I hardly see them. We are like ships in the night. I have a job as a teacher, and although most of my students are grateful, the amount of pressure that is coming down the pipe is, at times, overwhelming. Last night I wrote out almost 70 accommodation papers so that I can read questions aloud to students taking the standardized test. If I haven't filled out paperwork, that is not an accommodation that student gets. It is crazy. We make things more difficult, school isn't about just learning...it is a bureaucratic nightmare. The paperwork is like a wave that is all consuming. The joy of teaching is being sucked out...I feel like my joy is being sucked out. I am a being that requires community,

Sometimes when I write I am absorbed in things going on in my own life, while other times, I am also painfully aware of happenings in the lives of others. This can create a strange dichotomy in my writing...should I avoid topics? Gloss over others? Sometimes it's a struggle to know the right direction. We are all connected by a gossamer thread, floating in the wind. As one of us moves, another is pulled, heart strings lightly attached. Each turn and twist, pulling at others, sometimes lightly, other times with force. Pain sometimes caused, other time inspiration. One never knows. We are all connected and piece by piece we speak to one another. Our pain speaking to the pain of others...our journey paralleling theirs. Sometimes we don't know where we are, where we stand, who we impact...all we know is that we are here...and we are not alone because the threads that bind us together will always be there...connecting us

Sometimes in life there is pain. We have to go through this pain to find something better. When we are stuck there, that's when we have issues. Some people enjoy being stuck in the pain place...maybe enjoy isn't the right word, but they stay there...in the place of pain. Yesterday I had a strange type of experience...I went to see my massage therapist who has been treating me for my injured hip. This last week I have been having strange migraines, so I mentioned it to her. She went to work on my shoulder..I had no idea that it was even tense or sore. Needless to say, she unleashed something into my body that took me out of commission for more 24 hours. Sometimes that's the way life is...a part of you is touched, a part you didn't even know was in pain and feelings overwhelm you. It's what you do next that is important...do you live in that space? Do you go forward? Sometimes you have to reach deep, take your emotional ibuprofen and push forward...only then will

When writing this blog, I have always felt that I need to wrap it up into a nice tidy box...a little life lesson learned. Instead, today, as I am focusing on the future, I realize that I need to be comfortable where I am...on the Island of the Misfit toys. I know my strengths...with the cutest boy and our life together, the craziness that sometimes ensues, as an educator... I also know my weaknesses, I overfill my plate and, often, take on too much. But for now...I won't be wrapping this up in a box. I am not sure where I fit. I am forging forward, refocusing, breathing...

Learning to change one's habits are difficult...managing chaos, keeping perspective. Today I had two really good pieces of advice...1) "I'm worried that you are taking on too much...delegate." and "You don't always have to end your blog on a happy note." Both of these are true. I have done a lot of looking inward and, the best I have heard is that I "plu holes." I try to fix things, keep it afloat, make it succeed and I think it is time for it all to stop...it's ok to say no... Since this is the year of finding balance, I have to learn to be comfortable with saying no or "I can't do that right now"...I need to be willing to be uncomfortable, with leaving things undone...I don't have to plug all the holes...I am starting to realize that if the ship is sinking, I don't have to fix it, but I do know, if I don't fix myself then there will be nothing to say.

Tonight was the second night of conferences. Although it was, at times, a bit crazy, overall things went well. I had beat myself up a bit about my total lack of preparation, but ultimately things went well. I had some wonderful opportunities to talk with parents about their child's skills, how I was going to push them to greater heights, how to give them opportunities to move to a higher level of achievement.  Students that I wasn't expecting came with their parents and we were able to have good discussions about the future an how this year is building a positive foundation. Most of all I was able to discuss with students that they are smarter than they think. Many of my students are afraid of success, worried about failure and paralyzed by the area in between. More than once, I heard a parent say, "I like this teacher," which built me up and allowed me to build them up as well. One step-mother cried as she said, "I just now realized that I am putting too much pr

"Your life has purpose , your story is important , Your dreams count , Your voice matters... You were born to have an impact." A life of purpose...that is what I strive for. Each day, as I go to work, I want to remember why I do what I do. I am realigning my brain, making sure that I am moving in the right direction. I have a love for my students...I teach for them. I want them to realize that their life has purpose...their dreams are real. Each has a story to tell, a voice to be heard...they matter. As I am looking forward, creating my own life, creating my own future...I realize more and more that I need to fully find my purpose, make my way. I want to look back on this life and have no regrets, feel that I have not only lived fully, but have left my mark in a way that not only I can be proud of, but know most of all that I have had an impact...

These last few weeks have been a struggle...a sense of sadness has covered me like a blanket. I have been unable to get to the core of the issue, but it has been there. Waves of sadness covering me...tears shed. I keep telling myself I need to let things go, let the sadness and disappointment fade...move forward. I need to look for the things that bring joy, not focus on the pieces of my life that remind me of what is gone... Friends are coming tonight...I am looking forward to a spiritual renewal. Friends are critical..they are the ones that hold you up in the rough times and celebrate with you in the good. I am the only one that can make things happen...I must be the one to create my future...I need to find my own joy... I cannot continue to mourn what is lost, mourn the unmet expectations I had of others, mourn the loss of what I thought was. It is time...time to recreate, time to dig deep, time to look forward... Great things are coming!

Today we began celebrating the birth of the cutest boy...Twelve years... It has been an incredible, scary, joyous, frightening, amazing twelve years. It seems like it was a lifetime ago when he was born...those first years of craziness, living in and out of the hospital. I go into his room and can't believe that this is where we are...home and healthy. Life with the cutest boy has been a journey. I feel like I have learned so much by having this sweet boy in my life...the greatest being that the small things are the important things. Sometimes I ask myself how it is possible to love this boy so much. Every day when I wake up, I fall in love again...more each day! It is an amazing feeling. Today I celebrate...we have had twelve amazing years and I am looking forward to many, many more... Thank you sweet boy, for choosing me to be your mother! I love you!