True test of Character...

Tonight I had one of those moments...you know, the ones where you have stood high judging others about their behaviors when, all of the sudden, you realize that you have exhibited something in this behavior realm too...

I have been feeling very frustrated in an attempt to make my world right...make it balanced...feel like myself and nothing is working. There are areas where I am making excellent progress...with my students, in their knowledge, with some people in my life, but there are others where I am feeling aimless and unfocused. Ironically, I have always felt that I am pretty capable of dealing with other adults in my life although, these last few months, I feel like an utter failure in that area. I don't trust my judgement, where I used to see trust, I have become a cynic. I feel like I am floating about, helpless. It is disconcerting and, frankly, scary...

There are areas where I have become a cynic or passive-aggressive, even if I am not speaking my cynicism or anger out loud. I am feeling it...I know it's there and worse, I am not sure what to do with it.

The cutest boy will be twelve on Friday...he is healthy and doing well and I feel like I am in a panic. Recent events have shaken my confidence, my work load is making me feel weary. I am not doing well under criticism and snarkiness...it is bringing out the side of me that reminds me of my mother....and that is definitely not good!!!

I feel my patience drawing thin, my tolerance at an all time low. I feel like I am getting hit from all sides...I want to hide...I want to crawl into myself and wait until the craziness is over.

I want to stand by what I say and that people can feel like I am honest...I feel like I am failing....I am behaving in ways that I criticized others. I am a turtle in shell mode...if all else, protect the inner soul...

I want to hide, wait for the storm to pass and start over. How do I do that? That is the question that I must ask...how do I behave in a way that makes me proud...what character am I reflecting in my behavior now? These are the questions that I must ask myself...

If I want students to build their own character, it seems that I must, at least, be accountable for mine...this definitely gives me a place to start! Let the character building begin!